by Sam Cooper
View: Part 1
Rob let himself in through the basement door on the side of the house. Elliot was wearing a red Joel Pryzbilla jersey that went to his knees.
“Hey, where’s the beer?” Elliot asked.
"I forgot. I can go back out…”
“No, no, no…I have some whiskey. How does that do you?” Elliot asked.
“What kind?”
“Snob. It’s Irish.”
Elliot motioned for Rob to follow him up the stairs. Elliot found his roommates through an ad in the Mercury. They were a couple who had married the summer before and bought a big old house that they struggled to pay the mortgage on month after month. The guy, Cecil, was a nurse practitioner, and the wife, Sequoia, had a masters in graphic design. Cecil made good money but wanted to pay off his student loans, and Sequoia worked freelance and had hefty student loans of her own. They fought frequently.
Elliot brought down two glasses and filled them with ice cubes. He handed one to Rob and then they walked back downstairs. The basement was mostly finished, with Elliot’s small bedroom and half bath, an area with dark green shag carpet, a couch with a little mold, and a washer and drier. Elliot put up a dart board. Rob sat on the couch while Elliot fetched the whiskey from his room. He handed it to Rob.
“Dublin’s Derby Blended Whiskey. The bottle is plastic.” Rob said.
“The Wall Street Journal recommended it.” Elliot said.
“Bullshit.”
“Ok, it was on sale, but it originally cost 12 dollars.”
Rob shook his head and extended his glass. Elliot poured until he filled the glass and then did the same with his own.
“To finding your love.” They banged glasses and sipped. Rob winced and coughed. Elliot laughed.
“Darts?” He asked Rob.
They played a round of Cricket with Rob winning by eighty points, both refreshing their drinks twice. They played another game and replenished their drinks three more times. The second game was closer. Elliot won by ten.
“One more?” Elliot asked.
“What time is it?”
Elliot checked his watch “7:15.”
“What time do we need to catch the bus?”
“7:53, and the stop is just around the corner.”
“Oh. Yeah. One more game. I am going to go get more ice. You?”
“Yeah.” Elliot handed Rob his glass. “Gonna piss.”
Rob returned with fresh ice and Elliot topped of both glasses. “Me first?” He asked Rob.
“Yup."
Elliot threw and hit a double 20, a triple 20, and an 18. “Lick my nuts,” Elliot said. “Hey, did I tell you about the screen play I started writing today?”
“Does it have midgets?” Rob had heard countless novel, screenplay, short film, and TV pilot ideas from Elliot. Most of them involved midgets.
“The Hills Have Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain. It’s a Willie Nelson themed horror movie. It’s set in a small West Texan town. A rash of murders - teenage girls, old ladies, a hotel desk clerk - happen whenever the DJ of the town’s only radio station plays a Willie Nelson song. It’s then up to the DJ to team up with the feisty new red-headed lady sheriff to find out who is committing these dastardly deeds. But then, when the DJ shuts down the station, someone keeps playing Willie Nelson songs. Turns out to be the deputy, who once had an affair with one of Willie’s wives - the one who played in his band. The movie ends with the deputy in a little plane looking at a full moon out the window, about to decent in Burlington, Vermont, with the music from "Moonlight in Vermont" off of Stardust. What do you think? I was thinking Bobcat Goldwaith as the DJ and Julia Roberts as the sheriff. Or Jody foster with a dye job. Or maybe Vivica Fox with red extensions for some racial tension. Anyway, what do you think?”
“Sounds commercially viable. How far along are you?”
“I downloaded Final Cut Pro and made a plot flow chart and did some character development lists, like what is the DJ’s favorite kind of sandwich (egg salad on pumpernickel) and what is the red headed sheriff’s favorite movie (Y Tu Mama Tambien if white, Rear Window if black). You know, the important stuff.”
“What about Space Jam for the killer?”
“Racist.” Elliot said and threw his darts.
They played and both struggled to close out 15 and 16. Only a few fingers of whiskey remained in the bottle when Elliot checked his watch. “Its 8:32.”
“I’ll drive.” Rob said.
“I was hoping you would say that. I know a secret parking place near the Garden.” They went out into the cool night without coats and climbed into Ellen’s green Isuzu Rodeo singing “Don’t Fence Me In.”
* * *
Ellen arrived at the police station in a cab at 6:30 in the morning. She saw Rob and Elliot sitting on a bench out front. They rose and walked to the cab. Rob had two black eyes and dried vomit on the front of his sweater. Elliot had a large band aid on his chin and dried blood on his neckline. One of the arm holes of his jersey was ripped and so he appeared to be wearing a long red toga.
Rob hugged her and said sorry. Elliot stood behind them and said thank you to Ellen. The three walked out and got into the waiting cab.
Elliot sat in the front seat. The cab driver, a skinny guy about their age with dyed long black hair, black t-shirt, black jeans, and black fingerless gloves said: “So what kind of fun did you two gentleman get into last night?”
“Blazer game,” Elliot said. “They threw us out for being too handsome and too loyal and too proud of our adopted city.”
Rob turned to Ellen “So the two guys next to us were jerks, rooting for the Suns, and we, very drunk, well…”
“One of them was the Asian guy from Smashing Pumpkins,” Elliot said.
“James Iha?” the driver asked.
“That’s his name. James Iha! Thank you, sir. Well, James Iha was screaming about the refs and talking trash, and his buddy was a big fella, perhaps a lumberjack or Arena League football player, and he was also screaming at our guys, calling Brandon Roy a bitch, and Greg Oden a big bitch, and Joel Pryzbilla a white bitch, and Batoom a French bitch, and well I would say we asked them civilly to stop.”
Rob interrupted, “We were pretty drunk. I told the big one to the shut the fuck up before I ripped out his eye ball for Rip City.”
“Awesome,” said the cab driver.
“James Iha told Rob to shut the fuck up, and I said ‘Look here Siamese Dream, you and your ogre should go back to 1979. Tonight, Tonight.’ I was really proud of myself for coming up with so many Smashing Pumpkins references in such short order, though I had been thinking of them from them moment we sat next to the guy. Anyway, he was about to slap me, or it looked like that when I spit in eye.” Elliot turned to Rob.
“The big guy then pushed Elliot and he toppled over three rows of people, smashing his chin on a hand railing. I punched the big guy in the back of the head, then James Iha threw a hard elbow in my face. Elliot tried to climb back over the three rows of people he had already fallen over, gushing blood from his face all over them.”
“Jesus,” Ellen said.
Rob continued “Yeah, that’s when security carried all four us out. When we were outside the Garden, Elliot tried to hit James Iha, and I started kicking at the big guy. And then out of nowhere some cops came and dragged us off and let those fuckers go on their merry way.”
“I tried to reason with the cops, saying they were Suns fans, but the cops weren’t interested. I sobered up in cuffs.” Elliot said.
“Rob kept falling asleep.”
“Since the other two guys got let off, no one pressed charges, and we were told to sleep it off.”
“And I did,” Rob chimed in.
They arrived at Rob and Ellen’s apartment, and Elliot paid the cab driver and gave him a 10 dollar tip for being such a good audience.
“So where is my car?”
“It’s at the Burger King near the Rose Garden. Unless it was towed,” Elliot said bashfully.
“Fuck.” Ellen said and raised her arms in exasperation.” And you lost my keys?”
“Yeah, well, I think they fell out of my pocket in the scuffle. They could be at the lost and found at the Rose Garden. If not, I’m sure AAA can do something.”
Ellen shook her head and then looked at her phone. “Fuck. I am going to be late for work. I am going to have to catch a bus. Fuck.” She started walking towards the bus stop near their apartment. She turned and said, “Rob, you are going to take care of this today, right? Right? I need my car.”
“Yeah, yeah, I will. I’m sorry,” he said.
“Me too. Thanks for getting us Ellen.” Elliot said.
“Are you going to be drunk assholes forever?” She marched down the street.
Rob and Elliot stood still and silent for a few moments.
“I am probably going to be a drunk asshole forever. I’ve always imagined myself as the drunken dad. Not abusive, but at times embarrassing. So, breakfast?”
“IHOP?” Rob said.
“Brilliant,” answered Elliot and they walked back to Elliot’s Honda and drove to the IHOP out by the airport.
They sat. “So do you think she will find out?” Rob asked.
“Only if you tell her. Or we get arrested for real.” Elliot said without looking up from his menu. What they had told Ellen and the cab driver had been true, up to a point. After they were hustled out of the stadium there were no cops. The two stumbled back to Ellen’s Rodeo, and Elliot convinced Rob to drive to the Dancing Bear, his favorite and perhaps the city’s saddest strip club. Elliot and Rob then dramatically reenacted their fight with the James Iha and the large guy, during which Rob drove off into a telephone pole. They were unharmed but the car was totaled. Elliot called an ask-no-questions towing company, the name and number of which he had gotten from his older brother, a successful lawyer and alcoholic. For a flat fee of a thousand dollars the tow truck took the car to a lot and then disabled it and sold it off for parts. Rob argued with Elliot that the car wasn’t worth a thousand dollars. Elliot explained the thousand dollars was to keep your record clean and to make sure that when you reported the car stolen to the insurance company it didn’t show up anywhere. After that matter was settled, it was Rob’s idea to have Ellen pick them up from the police station.
Rob pulled the keys to the car from his pocket. “Ok, so I tell her I got the keys from the Rose Garden, went to the Burger King, and the car was gone. Called the impound lot listed in the Burger King parking lot, and the car wasn’t there. Then I tell her to report the car as stolen to her insurance company, she gets the money and buys a newer car, and we all live happily ever after.”
Elliot nodded.
“How did your brother know about that?” Rob asked.
“He once represented a cop in a divorce. Jeff asked him what happens when cops get DUIs, and the cop handed him the tow company’s card.”
Elliot had the banana nut waffles and Rob ate a western omelet. Rob thought about telling Ellen the truth and how she would react while Elliot described a rash he had that was shaped like a dolphin. The waitress came to the table and asked if they needed anything and Elliot said, “Just the check.”
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